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THE RAVENING

By Martha Bolton

Once upon a diet dreary, I lay famished, weak and weary,

hunger pangs too fast and numerous for my stomach to ignore.

Bathroom scale, it was just mocking. Still, I would have eaten caulking,

if somebody wasn't knocking, knocking at my condo door.

"O be Pizza Hut!" I muttered, knocking at my condo door.

"Double cheese, I'm praying for!"

I was on the Atkins Diet 'til a breadstick caused a riot.

On to Weight Watchers to try it, hoping that I could eat more.

But they had a rule they followed a whole ham could not be swallowed.

So in self-pity I wallowed, licking crumbs up off my floor.

Then I heard more of that knocking, tapping, rapping at my door,

and wondered who it could be for.

Oh, I've dreamed of eating Twinkies, licking filling off my pinkies.

Scrambled eggs and sausage linkies. Little Debbie cakes galore!

Dreamed of sourdough from 'Frisco, every snack sold by Nabisco,

chocolate bars and even Crisco. Could I last a second more?

I was starved down to my core!

Drat this diet evermore!

It is water I'm retaining, that's the reason for my gaining.

And don't think that I'm complaining, I just need to eat some more!

I love fat, I won't deny it. Food is better when you fry it!

See a Snickers and I buy it, then I keep on wanting more!

Drat this diet evermore!

So I turned the knob and then I opened up the door,

but when I saw the one who wanted in, I had to shut the door again.

'Twas my trainer looking for me. To work out, she would implore me.

How I wish she'd just ignore me! But to the scales we went and then...

"LOOK AT ALL THE WEIGHT YOU'VE PACKED ON! ALL THE BURGERS YOU HAVE MACKED ON!

ALL THE DING DONGS YOU HAVE SNACKED ON!" She screamed all that at me and more.

With the accusations flying, I assured her I was trying.

I was starving, maybe dying, but she heard me out no more.

Made me promise I would diet, then told me to just be quiet.

Exercise? I was to try it! So I did what she implored.

I stepped back and took position. I would stop her inquisition.

Did a leg lift in submission ... THEN I KICKED HER OUT THE DOOR!

Quit those workouts evermore!

Now I'm back to eating Twinkies, licking filling off my pinkies.

Scrambled eggs and sausage linkies, Little Debbie cakes galore.

I don't need no weight loss planning! Work out tapes I will be banning!

In the space I'll end up spanning, I'll be happy to my core!

AND I'LL BE HUNGRY NEVERMORE!

 

Copyright 2001-2005 Martha Bolton. All rights reserved.09/24/12 09:36 AM
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