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The Cafeteria Lady's Upcoming Schedule

January 6:

CLEVELAND
   Speak at national youth retreat...not actually on stage, but from my sleeping bag in the cabin while everyone else is trying to sleep.

January 15:

WASHINGTON
   Deliver address to meeting of United States Postal Workers.  (I've recently moved, and they need my new address.  I like to do these sorts of things in person.)

Late January:

EXACT DATE AND LOCATION TO BE ANNOUNCED
   Sing national anthem at the Super Bowl.  (It'll be from my seat, and someone else will probably be singing with me from the stage, but the event planners felt this would be the best way for me to participate.)

February 13:

NEW ORLEANS
   Speak to the Girl Scouts (regarding a cookie order).

February 20:

PHOENIX
   Book signing at Barnes & Noble.  (That is, until the clerk catches me and asks me to leave.)

March 12

DALLAS
   Talk to a group of telemarketers concerning my choice for a long distance company.

March 30:

SEATTLE
   Detain door-to-door salesman.  Make him listen to 45-minute speech on how to hold your audience.

April 1:

ALBUQUERQUE
   Speak at library (until the librarian tells me to hush).

April 20:

PHILADELPHIA
   Participate in walkathon (from my car to the front entrance of the mall).

May 4:

NASHVILLE
   Sing (in shower).  Limited seating.  Overflow seating available in living room where full concert can easily be heard coming through the vents (until family closes them).

May 15:

NASHVILLE
   Speak at court hearing regarding Disturbing the Peace citation received on
   May 4th.

June 8:

COLORADO SPRINGS
   Do several encore performances ordering food over microphone at popular fast-food drive-through-restaurant with Brio staff.

July 14:

WASHINGTON D. C.
   Speak to Congress (from the sidewalk as they pass me on their way to
lunch).

August 4:

PHOENIX
   Accept the "Flaming Kitchen Award" from the National Association of Firefighters for keeping firemen working through 1999.

September 12:

LITTLE ROCK
   Dinner at the Arkansas Governor's house. (Well...actually, I'm just
delivering pizza   there, but he might offer me a slice.).

October 15:

NASHVILLE
   Recording session. Answering machine needs a new message.

October 29 :

DETROIT
   Piano recital. (I'll actually be dusting it, but it sounds the same.)

November 24:

LOS ANGELES
   Talk to hundreds of angry citizens...while standing in line at the DMV

December 12:

NASHVILLE
   After-dinner speech (nightly apology to the family for the meal).
 

December 31:

NEW YORK CITY
   Appear at Carnigie Hall. (I'm taking the 3 p.m. tour.)

I'll keep you posted as more bookings develop. If I'm in your area...please stop by!

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